The Man Wars

To all those that have lived in Japan for more than a few weeks, the man is an intimately recognisable piece of the Japanese cultural landscape. In a similar category to the bao, the Chinese steamed (usually pork) bun available throughout most of Asia, man are readily available at every single one of the seventy-five billion convenience stores, station restaurants and supermarkets they have in this country. The man is a Japanese institution.

Your bog standard man, your default, is the Niku man. Hot, puffy, white dough filled with minced “meat”, it will set you back a mere hundred yen. Shops will vary the size, ingredients and appearance of the man in an attempt to win over new customers to their formula. Recently, however, there has been somewhat of a thrown down between competing convenience stores. Each has released a plethora of new flavours and in turn, the others have responded with new and crazier flavours. These are the man wars. I’ll fill you in on the action thus far.

The Man Wars of 2005/2006

It all started innocently enough.

Sometime early in the new millennium, an average salary man, Taro Kitajima, was stumbling home along the back-streets after a busy evening spent swilling happoshu and munching on soybeans with his colleagues. His stomach rumbled and he became acutely aware of just how hungry he was. He needed something hot in his belly and he needed it right now. He veered into one of those shining beacons of 24-hour-a-day snackage, the convenience store, and purchased himself a man.

As he chowed down on his man, a thought raced into his head. It was so radical, so unique, that he let out an involuntary gasp. “These, these man. They taste good with pork, imagine how good they’d taste with pork AND cheese. Maybe some tomato sauce. It would be delicious.” Then he came to. The pork man and the nikku man were institutions. One couldn’t just come up with new flavours, just like that. That was insanity. Heresy. He finished his man and walked slowly home, pondering these dangerous new thoughts as he walked.

Sometime later Taro tentatively mentioned the idea to his close friend, Hiroyuki. Hiroyuki had been hired by the convenience store giant, Lawson, several years previously and had since been working on some huge secret project that he refused to tell Taro about. “It’s about man and their flavours. I have some ideas on how you could change things.” Hiroyuki pushed aside his half-finished bowl of ramen and listened quietly and conscientiously to Hiroyuki’s idea. When his explanation had finished, Hiro sat in silence. “It is very bad it had to end like this,” Hiro remarked. He then calmly and meticulously jabbed his chopstick through Taro’s nose, striking the brain and killing him instantly.

Three weeks later, Lawson released their “Pizza Man” throughout the country.

It was a wild success and convenience stores across the land scrambled to get their own unique flavours of steamed bun onto store shelves.

Don’t be cheesy

In late 2005, Seven Eleven Japan gained a significant lead in the battle for customer loyalty when they snuck their latest creation into branches across Japan. A squat rectangle of man pastry enfolding delicious cheesy sauce, the Lasagne man was like nothing Japanese consumers had seen before. And they ate it. They ate it like it was going out of fashion. Which, sadly, it was.

Early in the new year, Family Mart announced a press event they promised would be “piquant” “zesty” and “well received.” In a prepared statement, President in charge of Seasonal Buns, Kentaro Masayumi declared, “7-11 has arrogantly and presumptuously claimed victory with their cheese and sauce based creation. To them, we say ‘Fuck you. Fuck you, 7-11. Fuck you and all that you stand for.” He then wiped the spittle from his chin and whipped aside a curtain, unveiling Family Mart’s new range of Korean Kim-chi and Habanero Pepper based man. “We hope our loyal customers enjoy our delicious new range of man. Please enjoy our seasonal buns” Masayumi said, before bowing and leaving the stage.

Last week, in a dramatic escalation of events, the Lawson Man Research Team (LMRT) unveiled their pièce de résistance which they’d been working on in secret for nearly seven months. “We are taking the fight to them,” lead engineer Hiroyuki Nagata exclaimed, “for years, competing convenience stores have squabbled over who has the most unique and delicious steamed bun. Today we declare our supremacy and take a bold new step in a direction no-one has dared to before.” Their creation, christened the Choko-Nutsu man, is a steaming poo-coloured lump stuffed with gooey chocolate sauce and a generous helping of finely cut walnuts.

As of last night both 7-11 and Family Mart were unavailable for comment. Both companies are expected to respond, later this week, to demands by from Lawson amounting to a full and unconditional surrender.

Posted in Gastros on Thursday January 26, 2006.