Takasu Cannonball

The moral of Sunday’s trip to Gifu to go snowboarding is that no matter how waterproof your “waterproof” jacket claims to be, if you ride up a ski lift in the torrential rain, snowboard down a mountain in the torrential rain, and in general be rained on, torrentially, you will be both very, very cold and very, very wet. When you make a fist whilst wearing your “waterproof” gloves and a tiny waterfall pours out, it’s time to write a letter to the manufacturers.

We went to Takasu Snow Park, a resort known for its friendliness towards boarders and generally great runs. Abel had been the week before and said it was excellent. Because the mountain had decided to provide us with pretty much a textbook case of shithouse weather (rain, check. thick fog, check. freezing wind, check. icy runs, check. complete and utter absence of snow, check) visibility from the top was around four and a half centimetres. Anything further than directly-in-front-of-your-face was lost in the swirling grey. When you couple this with a vicious wind, it made actually staying on the runs and indeed having any kind of control beyond a general sense of, “oh hey, I’m barrelling down the mountain with no way of stopping” fairly difficult.

My most favourite part of the day came while I was shooting down one of the faster runs near the top. I’d got my rhythm going and was jack-knifing down the hill with little concern for personal well being. Suddenly, looming out of the fog like some very well manicured and entirely nonthreatening abominable snowman, was a petite Japanese lady. She was stopped directly in the middle of the run and was wearing a white jacket and a cream coloured beanie. On snow. In thick fog. I’m sorry but exactly how fucking stupid do you have to be? In my indignance I did the only thing that seemed reasonable: I cannoned straight into her. By some fluke of physics (or perhaps some latent, yet undiscovered, superpower) this resulted in her spinning ninety degrees to her right while I slid past on my head. My last view of her white form as I careened backwards down the hill on my ass was of her looking around with a baffled expression on her face.

Next time, I’m attaching impaling spikes to my board.

Posted in Locomotion on Monday February 27, 2006.