Hazelnut Mocha

The best way I can think of describing the taste of Georgia’s new “Hazelnut Mocha Au Lait” coffee in a can is to have you a imagine a guy named Tony.

Tony is your average, everyday bloke with just one small, yet significant, difference. He’s been hired by Georgia to eat nothing but hazelnuts. All day, every day. Breakfast, lunch and dinner. Can you picture Tony? He’s probably slouched on his couch wearing an unfashionable sweater, socks with holes in them and is munching on hazelnuts. Boy does he like those hazelnuts. Can’t get enough of the things. They’re turning his teeth brown.

Drinking the “Hazelnut Mocha Au Lait” is approximate to having Tony kick you in the balls, hold you down and then shit in your mouth. The only significant difference is the liquidity of the beverage and I imagine the aftertaste of poop in your mouth doesn’t last as long. Fuck you Georgia. Fuck you and fuck Tony. I cannot get this taste out of my mouth and it’s been hours since I had your fucking coffee.

Why don’t you write that up, canned coffee gods? Hey?!? Too edgy? Too off that there hook for you? Well boy had you better watch yourselves. Tony’s coming for you and he’s got one damned evil glint in his eye.

Posted in Rant on Wednesday February 8, 2006.