On the Road in China: Suzhou Train

As can be expected on waking up the morning after having a couple of beers the night before, your bladder tends to need relieving fairly promptly. This only become a problem when you are on a train with 400 people who wake up at the same time and have the same idea. So there I am standing between these two locked toilets, the occupants of which are nowhere to be seen. I’m busy hopping up and down absolutely dying to chuck a piss and I swear these guys have been in there for a good five minutes or so. Then this old Chinese guy shows up and stands directly opposite me and starts eyeing me off.

At that stage I was so utterly past respecting anyones elders that the only way anyone was going to get into that toilet before me was over my dead body. I hear a click and the door on my left flicks open and I’m in there so quick I’m sure if timed, I would have broken all kinds of land-speed records. I unzip and proceed directly to nirvana. Then, I look around and notice that the entire bloody toilet has smears of excrement tooling around. I swear, it looked like someone had spontaneously combusted in there. The scary thing is, I was so focussed on getting down to business that I didn’t even notice until about 20 seconds into my piss. And that, my friends, is the only story I have of the train from Xian to Suzhou.